I'll be seeing you

18th Apr 2013 | 353,679 notes

18th Apr 2013 | 80,919 notes

How To Make Love

About seven years ago, all my friends my age got married. And about three years after that, they all started having babies, which set into motion the idea that eventually they’re gonna have to talk about sex to their kids. And that just freaks me out. I have cats—they were broken, but now they’re fixed—so I don’t have to worry about this. However, if I had the opportunity to suddenly be confronted by my son as a young man asking me for advice about sex… with girls… this is what I would say.

One: Buy condoms. Buy them and keep them with you at all times, and use them before you are asked to use them. And use them every time. The peace of mind you allow your partner will free her to be vulnerable with you, and that, my son, is exactly what sex is about. Condoms are sexy. In fact, call buying condoms foreplay. (Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)

Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.

Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.

Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.

Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own. (Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)

Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.

Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.

Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.

Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.

Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.

Love, Dad.

(via myworldlooksalittlelikethis)

18th Apr 2013 | 780 notes

dee-lirious:

Sonya Renee: “What Women Deserve” (by bjgomez)

culturally-diversified biracial girl, with
a small diamond nose ring and a pretty smile
poses besides the words
“Women Deserve Better”.

and I almost let her non-threatening grin
begin to infiltrate my psyche,
until I read the unlikely small print
at the bottom of the ad:
Sponsored by the US Secretariat for Pro-Life Activities
and the Knights of Columbus

on a bus,
in a city,
with a population of 563,000;
four teenage mothers on the bus with me,
one Latina woman with three children under 3,
and no signs of a daddy.

one sixteen year old black girl,
standing in 22-degree weather
with only a sweater,
a book bag,
and a bassinette,
with an infant that ain’t even four weeks yet.
tell me that
yes
women do deserve better.

women deserve better
than public transportation rhetoric
from the same people who
won’t give that teenage mother
a ride to the next transit.
won’t let you talk to their kids about safer sex.
have never had to listen as the door slams
behind the man who adamantly says,
“that shit” ain’t his!
leaving her to wonder how she’ll raise this kid.

women deserve better
than the 300 dollars TANF and AFC
will provide that family of three,
or the 6-dollar an hour job at KFC
with no benefits for her new baby,
or the college degree she may never see
because you can’t have infants at the university

women deserve better
than lip service paid for by politicians
who have no alternatives to abortion;
though I am sure,
right this moment,
one of their seventeen year old daughters is sitting in a clinic lobby,
sobbing quietly and anonymously,
praying parents don’t find out.
or will be waiting for mom to pick her up because research shows
that out-of-wedlock childbirth doesn’t look good on political polls, and
Sarah ain’t having that.

women deserve better
than backwards governmental policies
that don’t want to pay
for welfare for kids,
or health care for kids,
or child care for kids.
don’t want to pay living wages to working mothers,
don’t want to make men who only want to be last night’s lovers
responsible for the semen they lay.

just flat out don’t want to pay for shit,
but want to control the woman who’s having it.
acting outraged at abortion.
well I’m outraged
that they want us to believe
that they believe
that women deserve better.

the Vatican won’t prosecute pedophile priests,
but I decide I’m not ready for motherhood
and it’s condemnation for me?
these are the same people who won’t support
national condom distribution to prevent teenage pregnancy.
but women deserve better.

women deserve better
than back-alley surgeries
that leave our wombs barren and empty.
deserve better
than organizations bearing the name
of land-stealing racist rapists,
funding million dollar campaigns on subway trains,
with no money to give these women,
while balding middle-aged white men
tell us what to do with our bodies,
while they wage wars and kill other people’s babies.

so maybe women deserve better
than propaganda and lies
to get into office;
propaganda and lies
to get into panties,
to get out of court,
to get out of paying child support.

Get the fuck out of our decisions,
And give us back our voice.
Women do deserve better,
Women deserve choice.